On becoming delusional..

I decided to become a bit delusional.

I have come to the decision that I am too realistic, and being too realistic is what is holding me back. I have decided I am going to start shocking my brain and body to become someone else, because the me right now is not working so much.

Does it sound crazy? Well then, great!

I have been a comfort zone girlie through and through for all my life. I came out of my mother's womb only to be forever stuck in my family’s womb all my life. I am a 35-year-old baby. I don't like discomfort, I don't like hard things, and to top it off, I really don't like effort.

Of course, I can sit here and blame my mom and my dad for protecting me from life and love-bombing me to the point where I keep thinking I'm too much of a princess to lift a finger my whole life, but that’s the old me. The new me, the delusional me, understands that the blame game doesn't work. The delusional me gets that to change is to take accountability first. I am at the steering wheel. Yes, my mother and father shaped me, but I am not made of stone. I am dough. I can learn and I can change.

So, I am officially moving myself out of my comfort zone and becoming a little bit delusional. Why? Because when I look at people I admire, they have this little craziness in their eyes. Like they don’t care about the rules, and they make their own rules. Like they don’t listen to the outside NOs, but only live through their inside voices. And I love that. Because if I could just invite you inside my head, all you would hear is, “It’s too cold, don't jump,” “Don't do that, you’ll look stupid,” “Don't wear that, you are not that person,” and so fucking on. A forever loop.

I have been listening to the outside noises more than my own voice. How is that L-I-V-I-N, living, man?

So I have officially moved on to being delusional.

Nothing is impossible.

Nothing is too hard.

Or too far.

Or too cold.

I decide who I want to be and I leap. That’s my new code. 1100111LEAP111000001111

Like, this might be such a small thing for you, but it’s the only example popping into my head right now: I have always had the hardest time getting into any body of water. I have an issue with being cold. (I have an issue with discomfort, is what it really is). And every time I’m near a body of water, I so want to be that girl who just jumps. Without thinking or obsessing about it. But no, I dip my toe and then I'm rambling: “It’s too cold. You’re gonna freeze. Why would you do that to yourself? What’s enjoyable about that? Just go inside and sit back down and stay warm.” (And getting smaller and smaller and smaller 😈).

And then I'm the girl who wished she jumped but in reality doesn't ever get in the damn water. And misses out all the time.

But not anymore. Delulu Manu to the rescue. I woke up one day and deluded myself that I love cold water. Heck, I love discomfort. Discomfort is my middle name. (I am really exaggerating right about now but go with it). And I don't think, I jump. And you know what? In those milliseconds I'm in the air, I can feel my brain rewiring. I swear. Call me crazy, I don't care, I’m literally writing an article about becoming delusional. So the next time I do it, it’s easier and easier until it has become my new normal.

Another example is meditation for me. I could never click with meditating. I would close my eyes and pretend to listen to the person telling me to relax, but in reality, I would be writing the grocery list in my mind. Or I would randomly think about a piece of clothing I used to own and try to solve the mystery of where it went. In short, I would be doing anything but breathing and relaxing, aka meditating. But one day I decided I wanted to be that girl who believes in the mysticism. Who believes in fairy goo goo ga ga. Someone who can meditate and tap into a different reality. So I deluded myself into being a meditator. I forced myself every day to show up and meditate. And day by day, I started becoming the woman I envisioned.

Ok, maybe delusional is not the right word.

Maybe I’m rewiring my brain to become someone who can change. Someone who can tolerate discomfort. Someone who can get out of their comfort zone. Someone who can just say fuck you to the voices in their head that keep them small and limited, and just do. And just become.

But if I'm being honest with myself, it does take a little bit of crazy to rewrite 35 years of programming.

But the second your feet leave the ground and you are flying through the air, you realize something magical:

You can be whoever the fuck you want to be.

You can grab any life you want by the balls and make it yours.

You just need to leap. And sometimes, to leap, you just gotta be delusional.